When I was 16 years old, I felt God calling me into the gospel ministry vocationally. My local church affirmed this calling on my life when I was 17 years old. Immediately after graduating high school, I left for Bible College to study and prepare for the ministry. I did not finish my education, and from that point until now I have tried in many different ways and with lots of effort to finish my education and enter full time vocational ministry. And at every point I have failed (now I’m almost 32 years old). I assure you that most of the time it has not been for a lack of effort. I often felt unsettled on the idea of ministry, even though I felt continually drawn in that direction. I don’t know that I can adequately explain it, but I actually tried to forget ministry for a while and pursue a career in the business world. Yet, even in my unsettled vision of ministry, I felt irrevocably called to it. However, I didn’t have the money to go back to school, and I had no foreseeable ministry opportunity jumping at me. I didn’t even have bad opportunities coming my way. It was as if all doors had been closed on ministry forever and there was no way to break through (as I would come to find out later, the Spirit of God locked me into my circumstances and would have me stay there for a while, but more on that later). It was as if the Lord had gone “radio silent.”
In addition to not having the means or the opportunity, things were really difficult for me and my family. We are not unique in that, and I’m sure many would have the exact same testimony. So, as I post this, I recognize that there is nothing unique, special, or extraordinary about going through difficult times. Without going into a lot of detail, over the past 7 or 8 years, we’ve faced financial ruin twice (literally on the verge of bankruptcy), watched other families we care about fall apart through adultery and divorce, watched my parents get a divorce, watched good friends face destruction from addictions to pornography, watched churches suffer from pastors falling into adultery, dealt with untimely deaths in the family as well as deaths from grandparents, and watched siblings suffer from mystery illnesses that were life-threatening. We’ve seen a church we helped plant close its doors forever, we’ve failed at trying to finish college education, and we’ve been laid off from jobs. The list could go on and on.
So, what was the problem? Why is it that I couldn’t catch a break? I watched men all around me have money fall out of the sky to pay for their schooling, and then watched them go on and begin serving in churches as pastors and leaders. My question was, “Why, Lord? Why isn’t that me?? Please, Lord, if you don’t want me in ministry, please take these desires away from me; however, if you do want me in ministry, please provide the means so that I can finish school and lead me to the place where you would have me serve.” That was my secret prayer for years.
Just recently, by a gracious and sovereign working of the Spirit of God in my heart, I was granted some wisdom to see why the Lord caused us to go through such trying times and closed the doors to the ministry for those years: there was a deeply rooted sin in my heart that the Lord wanted to squeeze out through trying times. The faithful Potter was tearing me down in order to mold me into something better. The sin was an inward working of pride in my heart that could have been disastrous had I gone into the ministry like that. There is quite a bit more to it than that, but for the sake of time and for the sake of not getting bogged down in describing sin, I’ll leave it at that for now. This prideful sin manifested itself in many different ways over the years, but needless to say it needed to be dealt with. The funny thing is that even though I felt the calling to ministry, I had a deeply unsettled conscience when I thought about actually serving in ministry. As I would discover later from the working of the Spirit, it was God preventing me from entering the ministry until He had uprooted the sin that hindered me from having confidence in the Lord.
While I was dealing with the hard times, I felt like a total failure. When I was a teenager, freshly called to ministry, so many people were proud of me and were encouraged by the Lord’s working in my life. So, you can imagine how I felt like a failure when I thought about those people that had great expectations for me and I had yet to live up to them. I came to learn that such an outlook was wrong and in fact a rejection of God’s sovereign working in my life. Who said I had to live up to the expectations of others? That was pressure I was never called to live with, and frankly a symptom of the pride I was ignorantly dealing with. I also felt like a failure to my wife. When we got married, ministry was seemingly on the horizon for us, and she had always felt like she was going to marry a minister. In fact, that was her desire. She never once put pressure on me to live up to that expectation, but I felt like I’d let her down because of the continued failure to get into ministry. Again, pride reigned in my heart and tainted my perspective.
I don’t know why the Lord in His wisdom chose to use trying times to uproot this sin in my heart. I can tell you I feel more prepared today having gone through those times than if I hadn’t. I can also tell you that because of my past struggles that I’m more prepared today to relate to those who are struggling in similar ways. Also, He has granted me the grace to look at the past with hope. For those years of struggle, I think the most miserable and debilitating thing was feeling like I was wasting my life. I felt (wrongly) that God had this HUGE frown on his face every time he looked at me because I was wasting my life and not fulfilling the purpose for which He had created me and saved me. Oh how foolish I was and what a terrible way to deny the grace of God in Christ! But, that perception of failure, wasting my life, and God’s displeasure with me was paralyzing. I was spiritually powerless with the exception of occasional small victories that God would grant here and there.
Today, I’m not yet in ministry. I still work in the business world. We have recovered financially, and the Lord is providing money to pay off school debt so I can continue my education. The Lord has placed us in an awesome church that is so encouraging and loving. This church has taken my family and I, as broken as we were, and loved us in ways impossible to put on paper. I’m being mentored for the ministry by my pastor who is a wonderful man of God. He has taken me under his wing as a friend and brother. So long have I desired this kind of discipleship and friendship from a pastor, but it was kept from me until the proper time that I was ready to receive it (and appreciate it). I have been under mentoring (in the recent past), but it wasn’t the same and it always felt like a hands off approach ruling over me with authority rather than a true friendship. In contrast, my current pastor kicks back, talks theology, has us over for meals, and just talks to me like a friend and brother. He has taken an interest in me and wants to love me and disciple me to be an effective and loving shepherd. What a joy and I’m overwhelmed with how happy this makes me in the Lord!
Why do I share all of this? Well, here are some things I have learned from those experiences that I pray may help someone that reads this:
- The presence of un-confessed sin in your heart will destroy your confidence in the promises of God that are graciously revealed in Scripture
- Focusing on ministry as a vocation rather than as a means to simply serve the church with your spiritual gifts is a fallacy and leads to pride
- Focusing on the presence of sin rather than the promises of the gospel leads to despair and inward defeat in the life of the believer
- Belief in the absolute sovereignty of God grants comfort that no matter what happens, God is absolutely in control and sovereign even over my bad choices and sin
- God is for me because of Christ; the justified believer need not be afraid of God’s displeasure. Because of Christ, God ALWAYS rejoices over the believer without ANY exception
- Failure or success is not measured by accomplishing goals as much as it is trusting in the absolute sovereignty of God, taking ultimate joy in Christ, and serving faithfully in whatever capacity God has ordained at the moment
- Only God’s grace and mercy sustains the believer; believers need the gospel for power and freedom and no work of the believer will ultimately destroy sin
- The fight against sin is ultimately won not by self-reliance in fighting, but on the Spirit of God destroying it
- There is nothing that makes one appreciate the grace and mercy of God like going through a terrible valley that clouds your vision of that grace for a time
- Mentors are a tremendous means of grace; if you find a good mentor and friend, then you have found a physical manifestation of the grace of God in your life
It is my prayer that as I leave this valley behind and look to the future of serving God by the grace and mercy He provides, that I won’t forget the lessons learned in the “valley of vision” where God was working for my good even while I was miserable. I love Jesus Christ and I love His church. May God alone receive the glory for the things He has done in me. I leave you with this passage of scripture that has meant a lot to me in recent days (bold and underline added by me):
Psalm 3
O Lord, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
2 many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God. Selah [1]
3 But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
4 I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah
5 I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.
6 I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.
7 Arise, O Lord!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.
8 Salvation belongs to the Lord;
your blessing be on your people! Selah
To God alone be the glory for great things He has done! Grace and peace to you. Amen.